#and also a general concern for various young people I've intereacted with

[the-final-sif]

Alright, I’m worried about y’all young people out there, I say as if I’m 40 or something, and so I’m here with some Advice From An Adult (meant for everyone, but may be most helpful for neurodivergent folks):

If you find yourself regularly avoiding a task (homework, showering, laundry), don’t beat yourself up about it, try to figure out what the problem is. Ask yourself why you’re avoiding the task? What about it is unpleasant for you? Is there some specific part of the task you don’t like? Is it a lack of energy overall? Do you have a negative association with this task?

Once you’ve IDed what the problem is as best you can, work with yourself to fix that problem. Again, do not beat yourself up. Instead, ask yourself what you could change about the task to make it more pleasant. This will go hand in hand with the next point.

There are no rules as long as you are kind to yourself and to others.

If folding clothes is tedious and annoying, don’t fold them. If you need 5 trash bins in your room or 3 laundry hampers, then have them. If you want to eat meals at different times, if you want to eat pasta for breakfast, if you want to wear a swimsuit in the shower, etc, go for it. Seriously. There are no actual rules to life and if changing how a task is ‘normally’ done makes it easier and more comfortable for you, then go for it.

When faced with criticism or someone saying you’ve done something wrong, especially if you are often quick to jump to “I’m the worst person in the world for this” or “Any criticism of me is a personal attack I must defend against”, take a deep breath and step back.

Take another deep breath, and then try to detach yourself from the situation. Go through a mental simulation of how you would feel if a friend of yours, or a sibling, or a stranger, had done what you did and got that same criticism? If someone else had gone through the exact same thing you are experiencing, and they asked you for advice, what would you tell them? Would you think that this other person is in the wrong? Would you tell them to beat themselves up about it for days on end? Would you want them to apologize, change, and move on? It’ll all vary depending on the exact situation, but it’s easier to process these things from an outside perspective.

Be kind to yourself, as kind as you would be to anyone else. You deserve the same kindness that you would offer to others.

This same principle of stepping back and asking yourself how you would advise a friend or a stranger to react to something is really effective for a lot of things. Unsure if you’re overreacting to what someone did to you? How would you feel if someone did the same thing to a friend? Wondering if you should bring up an issue you have with someone? Would you want a friend to talk to that same person?

Writing this process down can also help a lot to make it feel more real. As can explaining it to someone else.

Moving on, but on a related note: ask for help when you need it.

I know asking for help is scary, and it can make you feel guilty, but please learn how to do it anyways. If you would tell a friend to ask for help in your situation, then you should ask for help too. 

A lot of times, people are actually happy to be helpful. Humans like to feel needed. Have you ever been asked for help, been able to help someone, and then gotten a good feeling afterwards? That’s how most people feel!

When asking for help, or asking for anything, keep these rules in mind for asking:

If you are asking someone (particularly someone in a position of authority over you) to fix something (ie, a grade, work hours, an accommodation) do not accuse them of causing the error on purpose. Even if you know that they did it on purpose, you do not want to turn this into a ‘you vs them’ situation. I know your frustration, but it will not serve you well. 

Instead, frame your request as ‘both of you vs an outside force’. Imply in how you ask that both of you are on the same side in this, and give them an easy out for having made ‘a mistake’. Easy targets to blame include technology, forms getting missed, things not being in quite the right place etc.

Ideally, frame your request as the obvious answer, rather than a “would you maybe do this?”. (IE: “Hello (name), I was double checking the schedule and I noticed I was accidentally being put on shift Wednesday when I’m unavailable instead of my Thursday shift. Would you be able to fix that? Thank you (name)”)

If you’re asking an informational question for something you don’t know a lot about, ask your question first, then give background detail. You may not know enough about the topic to know what details are important or not, so start with what question you want answered, and then add specifics afterwards. (IE: “I’m trying to figure out what requirements I need to complete for this degree. I already have x/y/z, and I was told I needed t/r/e, and I have these requirements already planned, but am I missing any or not fulfilling them correctly?“)

In general, don’t apologize unless you have done something wrong. If you have done something wrong, and you regret it, then that is a case to apologize, but try to resist the urge to apologize for everyday things.

A great piece of advice I’ve seen is replacing the “I’m sorry” with “Thank you”. Rather then putting yourself down for minor slights, for talking for long periods, or for getting really into something, make the interaction positive by thanking the other person for their patience/time/attention.

Not only will this make you feel better over time, but it will also make the other person feel better about the interaction.

This also goes for asking for help/requesting things. Don’t apologize for needing help, thank the person for offering it.

In general, don’t put yourself down. We’ve talked about treating ourselves kindly already, but seriously, try to remove self-deprecating language from your vocabulary. It takes practice, but changing thought patterns always does, and it’s well worth the pay off.

A good rule of thumb is pausing to ask yourself ‘Would I say this about a friend?’ before you say it about yourself. Does it sound cruel to say it about a friend? Then don’t say it about you.

This goes for serious interactions, but it also goes for casual interactions too. Don’t put yourself down to lift others up. It’s not good for anyone involved.

“I really love your artwork, I could never do anything like this.” -> “I really love your artwork, my friend could never do anything like this.”

Is the second one something you’d say? No? Then don’t say the first one either. Again, Treat yourself as kindly as you treat others.

Okay, this post is getting long, but in summary, there are no rules to real life, treat yourself kindly, ask for help, and don’t apologize when you can say ‘thank you’ instead.

Oh also register to vote if you’re old enough (or check up on older friends to make sure they’re registered if you’re not), make sure you are voting on everything, and look into your local politics if you have the time/energy to do so. They’re often way more fun than you might think.